I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
