PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
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she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
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If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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