the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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