you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
