I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
