Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
ugly people sure do ruin things
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
