why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
