I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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