The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
