It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
