I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
