just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize