Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
