Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
