Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Terrible idea I love it
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
