Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
