So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
