So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
