Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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