What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
