I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
