Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
organizing the empties. That sober.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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