How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
