i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
The air taste purple.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
