I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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