So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
