my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
