i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
