Taylor Swift is so right about you.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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