i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
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I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
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I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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