I seem to have left my pride at pride
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Someone stole a lamp last night.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
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