you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
