my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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