3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
