Non-Jews are for practice
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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