I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
