So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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