I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
