My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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