dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
