I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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