I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
