Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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