We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
