Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
