Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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