i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Randomize
