Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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