I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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