You're so nebulous sometimes
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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