the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
