i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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