In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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