i love accidental penises.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
