I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
