Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I think your dad took our porno
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
