We named our party play list daddy issues
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
